How your expectations are ruining your love life & more
Real life does not come with a soundtrack and flower petals. Yet somehow, no matter how dreamy their guy is, all women have a little voice inside that expects him to do things in a certain way.
If you’re always waiting for him to jump out of a bush, with a rose between the teeth while he’s doing the laundry, check to see if your expectations are in sync with reality.
What are expectations and where do they come from?
Expectations = collection of ideas, secret wishes, book club scenarios that condition happiness to a certain way of doing things.
- They put Baby in a corner, make silent decisions on your behalf & rob you of endless positive possibilities.
- They usually start with “I have to…”.
Examples of expectations that are currently messing with your life:
- “I have to be married until 28”
- “I have to wait for Mr. Right”
- “I am not good enough for him”
- “ I want to try different things in bed, will that make me a…”
- “Guys have to make the first move”
Don’t confuse expectations with standards. While both might be high, standards will always help you get more of what you deserve, while fantasy expectations about your love life can stand between you and a great relationship.
We can blame soap operas, high school dramas, romantic comedies or novels, our parents and so on. They are very deeply rooted in our minds, slowly dictating our decisions, based on brain-washed perceptions of how love should be, or how a lady must act, and create godly assumptions about the ones we love and ourselves. If we don’t live up to those picture perfect ideas, prepare for a meltdown. The wider the gap between reality and our expectations, the bigger the heartache.
They are limiting beliefs that narrow down our social experiences and usually are out of date and of true essence.
Biggest threat: always being disappointed
Constantly expecting things to go a certain way can turn you in a bitter, not so desirable version of yourself. Not to mention it will make you miss out on a lot!
For example: a guy builds up the courage to make a move and you immediately shut him down and tie the decision based on a preconception – he wasn’t romantic enough, or your partner admits that he messed up and says he’s sorry using his own words, but you get stuck on those, rather than on the overall heartfelt message.
Focusing on the 10% that is missing is not a good strategy in life, career or relationships.
Going a step forward and taking your expectations in the bedroom might be a total turn off for both you and your partner. Men go crazy about the feeling of being desired and they love the case, but if you’re bringing your sexpectations to the table, he’ll be up against a literally unknown force.
How can you fight them away?
- Figure out what you really want
Once you have that sorted out, it will be easy to distinguish between a core principle or just an old rusty belief that is holding you down.
Try to put your finger on the source of the limiting belief: did it came from fear of getting hurt again, from your mom’s church gathering or Jane Austen? Whatever it is, see if it still has a positive purpose or is it there gathering dust and heartbreak.
- Find out what went wrong
The easiest way of stopping the disappointments for you and the strikeout series from him is to say what you want. This way, at least he’ll have a standing chance.
Instead of pouting over things not going as you’d wish, try to figure out why that happened in the first place. Is he really an asshole or did something else went down?
Maybe it was an unrealistic expectation or a perfectly normal one. It really doesn’t matter as long as the guy was unaware of it.
- State your truth
Explain why it’s important for you and how you’d like him to handle it. You will be surprised by the results. There are a lot of clueless caring guys out there who want to do everything to make you happy, but just don’t know how.
It’s easier to meet your partner’s needs if you know what they are.
- Take responsibility
If you’re always feeling upset and have a hard time getting your ideas across, you have to start thinking about your own actions and taking responsibility for them. It seems slightly impossible that all men are jerks, right? Especially if you see a pattern, try to narrow it down and see what you can improve your communication skills.
- Stop trying to fit in other people’s expectations
You have enough on your plate and complying with others people’s vision of happiness should not be one of your concerns.
Your parents, friends or society as a whole might have a totally different idea on how things should be at a certain age, but you can make everything shift in one direction or another, according to your true north.