I’ve been wanting to say this for so long, but I never could find the right words, so I just stopped looking for them. I know you forgave me then & there, but I still haven’t forgiven either of us. At least, there is some kind of peace between us, and I have a tranquillity that kept me going, that comforted and deceived me so many times, we became related.

My happiness comes calling for you

I need you to know that I miss you, constantly, quietly, and mostly when I am happy, never when I am sad, down, angry or bitter. I have mastered the art of being alone, not needing anything from anyone. I am independent and strong, always was, I like being by myself, I enjoy spending time on my own, I like it and I am proud of it. I don’t feel the need to fill up my schedule with people I don’t want to meet and conversations I don’t want to hear, I don’t want to spend my nights being someone else’s dream. This was long overdue since most of my younger years were spent with the wrong person out of sheer fear of being alone when the truth was I was fine all along. Maybe this is some kind of silver lining to losing us, maybe it’s just how things happened.

I never think of you when I have a bad day, when I am battling my own monsters, when I am at weddings without a date, when hearing our song, or when something sad happens. I deal with all of that and more, in the best possible way. I’ve learned to reach out, ask for help and open up about problems. I stand tall and am still as stubborn as you left me.

I miss you the most when I am happy and something great happens because I want to share it with you. A promotion, a compliment, a good day, a funny video, an awesome movie, a sunny afternoon, a book, a lazy Sunday, a good deed in traffic, a flower from a stranger or a cute doggie that crossed my path this morning…everything, anything was better with you.

I miss you laughing at my PJs and my morning hair, I miss having you around when I do my makeup in the mirror before going out. I miss being all dolled up, feeling like a million bucks, and having you there to tell me that, even if you’ve been waiting forever for me to get ready.

I never once wanted you there to stop my tears, but to catch my smiles

In my darkest times, I am the strongest, I’ve learned that the hard way, but even then, I talk to friends, myself & God. That keeps me pretty occupied. We often tell ourselves that though times are even harder when facing them alone, but that is not true. Though times are just as though, and the only way to get through them is to get trough them. I know by now, it’s ok not to be fine, not to have it together all the time, to be confused and hurting. Yet, I never once wanted you there to stop my tears, but to catch my smiles. Never needed you to pick me up from the floor, but to take me on to dance floor. I miss your silly moves.

I miss us laughing together, telling you the good news, or the good joke I just heard since you always had a better one ready. I don’t want you when I am tired, but when I am full of energy and making plans. I liked the possibility of us and all the possibilities that came along with that.

I’m still trying to make sense of everything that happened, still learning, still making mistakes, still growing…still loving and missing your love.

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