I am starting with the disclaimer this time, saying that I love my parents, I am deeply grateful to have them in my life and thankful for their support and struggle.

This being said, all lawsuits and family bickering well absorbed, I need to get personal about this decision. It is high time I took it, it is long overdue, especially since I am in a threesome for almost 30 years, and it’s not the one to raise an admirable eyebrow for.

I say I want to divorce my parents because they didn’t make this decision when the music stopped between them, nor did they make the other sane resolution, meaning to fight for their relationship and change whatever is not working. Compromise? Not the case, it is some kind of alien form of subjugation, a form of slavery and the absolute acknowledgment that the other is right, which of course, is by itself, pure suicide. Letting go? Error – concept not found. Only thing worth living for: find a new way of arguing better than the other one does, or remembering exactly what went wrong on that dinner night, 20 years ago.

Why is this my problem?

When it comes to family, there is not an easy way out, no magic shutdown or sleep button, no ESC, no scrub or cleanse system that will work wonders, although I’d love a “sort your family problems” smoothie. You just know it, accept it, live with it, try to do better and hope for the best. Family is like a nasty E- Coli infection, that just sticks to you and is a part of who you are for good, showing up when you least expected it, bringing a mess, creating a bigger one every time. Sure, don’t get me wrong, it could be a beautiful emotional mess, heartwarming, loud and lively, hot and cold, and it’s a sweet kind of mess we long for, especially during the holidays. After that, we can regroup and miss them until we are eager to go through the madness together, once again, with bells on. Blame holiday cards from Hallmark for this, but it’s actually true.

In my case, my parents have two opposite personalities and I am sorry to disappoint you, but they do not attract.

Growing up, I was used to patch things up, make them better, shift focus and come between them. I was entertainment in an area where gadgets and tv shows did not exist, their witness at every fight, the official referee and personal side taker, professional buffer, translator and peace maker officer since I was 5, so it’s not such a big surprise that I became a very talented multitasker – all corporates love that.

I didn’t grow up in a constant toxic environment, yet their sometimes flawed dynamic got to me far worse than I could have predicted and the fact that I am still in this broken place, trying to fix that instead of solving my own issues, is rapidly consuming all my resources.

“I’m turning into my mom” = scariest words ever

My late 20s brought me close to this dark revelation about myself and to the fact that I might turn into my mother, especially when I am extremely pissed – please embrace the scientific term which combined with a very specific F word, can best describe the different stages of annoyance I reach sometimes.

I easily become the queen of ice cold treatment and isolation – sorry Elsa – I walk away from any argument, I am really critical and sometimes use emotional manipulation to get my side of the story across. My mom is the only person that can get me worked up and ready to go to war with Zeus, in 2.3 seconds max. Not feeling good enough, while constantly trying to explain ordinary things, not feeling accepted and valued for who I am, are always working in the corners of my mind. The funny thing is, I only got the most annoying traits, the ones I truly hate about her, and not the awesome legs, out of this world metabolism or skin type, nor de drive and restless nature when it comes to working and striving ahead. Nope, I just got the things that I don’t like about her, or any other human being, for that matter. That is just plain stupid. The things we reject the most about our parents or any other loved ones are the ones we are scared to manifest ourselves. I fear that I am that person sometimes, and, so when I see it others, it just makes me that much angrier.

“My dad used to be my hero” = saddest words ever

That moment, when you realize your parents, whom you saw larger than life, kinder than the Pope and better than Superman (and I am talking about Chuck Norris standards here), are limited humans and actually seeing what those limits are, is extremely painful. It shouldn’t be, I agree, but it is. When you see that what was in your mind has little or no reflection in real life, combined with the lack of desire to improve or change, all this related to your hero, it’s just excruciating, especially since I am talking about every little girl’s hero, her dad – I know, I know, cliche alert!

The tendency to please and make him proud ruined my self-esteem for years.

Then you realize you are a grown up and should be acting like one, by accepting, not judging and just responding with kindness to all earthly limitations. This is a battle you won’t win any other way, but that you still keep on fighting in the background. I guess many of us are fighting their kid version of ourselves, that is mostly disappointed of us and of how things turned out, and what kind of an adult have we become. Stop fighting and start listening to the kid could be an interesting idea, don’t you think? He might have some answers or at least a few good points to make!

Also, since we are already here, maybe we should stop fighting against the version of us that was in the mind of our parents. Of course, they wanted you married with a doctor, having kids and a postcard house by 25, but that is at the end of the day, their definition of happiness, so they are actually wishing you the best, in their terms. Stop rebelling against good intentions! Instead, try searching for your own truth and definition of the happier you, and start living it, that being the ultimate victory for both you and them!

“Parenting your parents” neceser

I know, by now, that I can’t fix their relationship, which actually, is not that bad since they made it together for more than 30 years, which is a whole lot more than I can say about my own romantic experiences. However, I need to stop trying or hoping to do so.

I know and want to be there to help them in any way, but not at the expense of my own activities and responsibilities. I have to set some boundaries and stop feeling bad for the few times I can’t respond to their needs firstly. I don’t have to go above and beyond for a thing they can easily manage themselves. Stop the guilt!

I need to stop spoiling them, or enabling their dependent behavior, that is not allowing them to be fully responsible for their actions and reactions. Also, it is not allowing me to have more patience and be more available for my partner, and it might have something to do with my not wanting kids soon – since I am feeling like a babysitter for my parents – but this is another story:)

I need to stop feeling responsible for their mistakes or choices. People choose to fight, to disagree, may even like it or are used to it, so much so that it’s not a life altering thing for them.

I have to stop trying to make their relationship work as I would like to see it and start focusing more on my own. After all, they did a fabulous job raising a great kid, they were amazing parents, really awesome people that went through so much along the years, overcoming problems and always finding new resources to make it another day.

I have to stop worrying that my own relationships will turn out as theirs did. This fear is stopping me from living, loving, feeling. Our own past does not equal our future, so why would others past have that much of an influence?

If you find yourself in any of the cases above or remember a younger you struggling with them, please know that our parents are a huge part of who we are as adults, they shape our personality, principles and draw the outline of our existence, doing everything with effortless love and caring. They did the best they could, at that moment in time. This is not about pointing fingers, making up excuses or finding them responsible for who we become. We all have to choose to learn from their mistakes and make our own as well, to honor their best teachings, yet find our own path to happiness. There is only so much we can blame them for, the rest is on us!

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